Living with Epilepsy

There’s something about going through a devastating event that puts it life in perspective. I’ve had my fair share of such events. To this day, the most traumatic events are the result of having Epilepsy. And it might be mild compared to what others have gone through, but this neurological condition is mine.

Yesterday morning, it reared its ugly head. I had aura after aura; they came in waves. For me, the aura is the scariest part because in those few seconds I’m still aware and conscious. Whenever I’m asked to describe this feeling, I can’t quite put it in words. Part of is that I want to forget it. Part of it is just so bizarre. Another part is seeing the looks on the questioner’s face. The face people make when I do my best to explain this phenomenon is a mixture of “I don’t believe you,” or “I’m confused as hell.” The aura though, is the scariest feeling I’ve ever felt. It literally feels like I’m not going to make it out alive. The seizure is probably the easiest part; I have no idea what’s going on. In between my auras yesterday, I kept telling James how much I loved him and Jade. I had so much to say, but my brain was overworked and I had to economize my words. So, all I could manage was “I love you.” I was crying and praying for this not to be the end of me. During the aura, I want to scream out for help, but I’m frozen. I’m helpless. I have no control.

And as soon as I’m frozen, that’s when I’m sure I’m not going to make it.

I felt like I was never going to see my family again.

I continue to share my journey living with Epilepsy, because it’s how I reclaim my power. My words are proof that I’m still here. I make myself vulnerable by sharing my story, but it is my hope that someone can relate and then they might not feel so alone. Epilepsy is an isolating disorder. There aren’t a lot of people who understand. People judge, whether it’s intentional or accidental. People make assumptions about you. They like to categorize you into mislabeled boxes. They baby you, or they outcast you. When really all we want is for people to treat us normally.

I bet if I never made people aware of my status, they wouldn’t know. And I can say this with confidence because I live with this every single day and sometimes even I forget.

I may have Epilepsy, and sometimes it may overcome me. However, I will never stop fighting and striving to live the life I want to live. Our days are numbered here on Earth, and I surely don’t want to spend my time living in fear. Every day I am given, I embrace it. I don’t have time not to. While I’m still here I will continue to share, continue to do what makes me happy.

I hope you do the same.

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