Hello! Hola! Bonjour! Konnichiwa!
How are all of you lovely souls out there?
So, I know it is not yet the end of the year, but I’m feeling very reflective lately. I’ve been thinking a lot about all the transformations and trials I’ve encountered in 2014.
*Disclalimer: things may get a bit emotional.
Things change and it’s okay. It’s naive to wish for things to stay the same. By far, this year has challenged me by presenting me with events that I had absolutely no control over. I couldn’t control where my husband would be PCS’d to (thankfully San Diego), and I couldn’t prevent my grandma from dying or my husband’s grandma from dying. These were some major life changes. Of all the three, I was only prepared for one. I want to talk about how losing my grandma shifted everything.
Let me start by saying that this is the single most difficult time of my life thus far. When she passed away, I truly fell apart. Maybe you noticed by my absence of or sporadic updates. Perhaps you noticed when I shared my pain through facebook statuses or maybe you had no idea. Either way, I was in a very dark place. Before it happened I was feeling great, going to the gym regularly, juicing, going to hot yoga. I felt incredible and my body was loving it. I had tons of energy! After, none of that was going on. I ate like crap, skipped the gym, practiced yoga less, and as a result I became depressed and lethargic and now I feel like my body is in a state of distraught.
I couldn’t help it. The pain of losing my best friend was too damn much for me. I was mean to both myself and others. I slept and slept and ate junk and had no desire to anything else. I had “good” days, but they were scarce. Also, as difficult as this is for me to admit, I feel like I have to say it. There were days when I was alone (my husband underway for days) and I just contemplated what life would be like without me. Not because life was horrible, but because of the immense pain inside me. I didn’t feel like I had a strong support system. I was alone often and there were very very few people checking in on me. I’m sure I was wrong, but it’s how I felt. The one person who I would run to or call on for support and guidance was gone. The one person who would drop EVERYTHING for me was gone. My heart is still broken and it will be forever, but learning to live with the pain is my current goal. The sorrow is still raw, though I am not dealing with it in the same way.
My broken heart is the greatest gift I’ve ever received. I’ll explain. When your heart is broken, it is open. Open to pain yes, however, it is also open to receive other energies. When I was in the dark, I was searching for something, anything, to help me. I left my heart open instead of trying to mend it shut. At first, all I could feel was the pain. As time went on I noticed that I was so much more aware of all the love around me. In fact, love surrounds each and every one of us. It may not come directly from people we know either. More and more I realized that just because I suffered a great loss, it doesn’t mean life has to suck. Trust me, it seems easy to understand, but it was hard to live such a simple truth.
In addition to losing my grandma, I’ve also had to deal with painful experiences, but I rather not give them any attention in this space.
I want to highlight the positives that I’ve been blessed with as well. For instance, school has been going well, I have a good job with amazing coworkers, I celebrated another year of marriage with my husband, and I feel as if I’m really coming into my own.
Before the new year arrives, I hope to have some solid goals to work toward. Not so much resolutions, because I don’t think anything in my life needs to be resolved so much as improved. I don’t need to change, I just need to work on enriching my life. As those things become more clear I will definitely share them 🙂
All in all, I can sum up what I’ve learned in 2014 in just a few words:
You are exactly where you need to be.